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Concatenated Dreams by `imperfect:iconimperfect:





captivated by the way the light fell
on her angelic hell, you morphed
from colour
                  less blue
to the most vibrant shades
                  you knew
would raise lowered eyes
                  to a smile.
Hostile thoughts thwarted with warmth
and enhanced plans to submit
                  to desires of both;
you take an oath and kiss keys
to release the dreams you have both seen,
and relief carries sleep
where you’ll meet under starful skies
to live out your silent life of what if’s
amidst the angels and the hopes
of times lost to other equal halves.
You’ll catch a wish and with it
                                          whisper-
                                                     -kiss
shared hearts, one for night and one for day
                                                  and so starts
the melding of two damaged parts.
©2004-2009 `imperfect
:iconimperfect:

Author's Comments

audio file here >> [link] <<

I'm very open to critique on this, specifically the structure. I'm unsure if the breaks work as well as they could, but i am happy with the message and the content.

Critiques


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:iconkurvwerk:
Amazing.

Just amazing.

No, I cannot critique this poem. I can only learn from it.

--
In the final analysis, your will is your only ally.

Check out the latest piece - [link]

[link]
:icontyrus:
The constant interplay between light/dark, good/bad, etc is wonderful. Not entirely happy with keys though if this is going to be the dominant theme; keys, even in this context, speak of release. Mind you, the piece does seem to "take off" after that, justifying release to the skies I suppose. Meh, I'm not sure. Your poems (and your voice for that matter) are a constant wonder; I'm just happy to enjoy them, thinking is difficult.

--
Know your DeviantArt
Learn the Way of the Forums
:iconimperfect:
not all keys open locks :)

--
You may see a silly fop & a worshipful justice, a griping rook & a grave citizen, a worthy lawyer & an errant pickpocket, a reverend non-conformist & a canting mountebank, all blended together to compose a medley of impertinence -- at the * Coffeehouse
:iconintangebility:
i read this and could just hear you delivering it. the breaks helped space it how i would imagine you've read it (yet to listen to the audio) but i feel that unless i was already familiar with your work, i wouldn't appreciate it quite so much. in other words, visually it doesn't seem to work how you would hope. i'm sure there are methods to remedy this, but i'm no poet, so i cannot really offer suggestions.

i loved it though :D

--
Carpe Noctem

*EldritchCabal - Go, be inspired, and get to work!
:iconimperfect:
i know exactly what you mean and it's why i was unsure about it, but i need to play with structure because it's my weak point and your comments make me less weak :)

--
You may see a silly fop & a worshipful justice, a griping rook & a grave citizen, a worthy lawyer & an errant pickpocket, a reverend non-conformist & a canting mountebank, all blended together to compose a medley of impertinence -- at the * Coffeehouse
:iconkaujot:
Handcuff keys.

--
This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened.
:iconkaujot:
Go to bed.

--
This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened.
:iconimperfect:
come to bed.

--
You may see a silly fop & a worshipful justice, a griping rook & a grave citizen, a worthy lawyer & an errant pickpocket, a reverend non-conformist & a canting mountebank, all blended together to compose a medley of impertinence -- at the * Coffeehouse
:iconkaujot:
Okay.

--
This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened.

Details

November 15, 2004
2.3 KB
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