Those last two stanzas were the zinger for this poem, they really packed to image-punch. Very nice, great job.

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Wonderful imagery.

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Thank you.

the flow is fantastic.

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Toni,

Apparently I have to pay use the critique function. Hopefully the social milieu hasn't changed so much since I was regularly active that a commented critique is discouraged.

Hope your NaPoWriMo was more productive than mine. Right off I think you can juice the line breaks to help make some cuts that all help the flow:

They were selling rodents by the river, alive
mostly, but some dead, still warm
and some stuck to chip-board
with eyes too big
and not glassy enough. (how would this work if, instead of "not glassy enough" you're flipping it, and saying "and too milky" or opaque, or whatever you're seeing? just a thought.)

They obscured our view of the sun (I'm on the fence w/ this break)
set but we agreed as always that this (something goads me to put the emphasis on "the sun set but we agreed" but the breaks are working crossways with this. What do you think?)
was so much more
and sat and watched the witches
reading from their concoction lists. (not that it's a problem, but the break encourages an ambiguity of reading here. I like it, I think, but I also see "watched the witches reading / ..." as an interesting logical unit.

They looked over at us
intrigued by my head
-cocked neck and your lips
cockled against my bangs
in nightly ritual. (I like that you're bringing ritual in here, but it feels abrupt and, perhaps, premature?)

Inline comments and a few changes above, but overall, the big one for me is the end. It feels like you're crafting an interesting tension--and I agree that going into this mirroring of ritual is a satisfying way to complete the poem, but it doesn't quite click where it is, for me. I think there's more poem here, if you will.

I'm having a hard time coming up with what would make this satisfying. I'm going to say there's room to better engage with ritual as a theme, at both ends, but I'd take that with more than a grain of salt.

Hope all is well,
Travis

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<justb>you are like a perverted shel silverstein or dirty dr seuss
http://escarp.org is the text-message-based journal I edit and produce. We publish brief poetry and prose.

I am not going to agree (a position I often find myself in) with the previous critique.

I feel people as they often do not on deviant art are taking into context the title of the work. The title says it all.

"A Polaroid from Marjingla"

Snapshots of places or people are just that... and the disjointed workings of contrast that sometimes take place in great photography can also be expressed with words.

This is a style I have tried to create (with rare and small fanfare) to varying degrees of success. Nevertheless I feel it is missing from a lot of popular poetry.

I would say that perhaps the snapshot does not linger long enough with us after the end and the choice of what kind of picture you are painting in ones mind might have more to do with that than connecting rational ideas together into a theme. (GOD I HATE THEMES, ire to the thinking man/woman)

I'm not sure if this will be helpful in revising this in the future. Hopefully you will feel you are on the right track and trusting in your instinct and being willing to play around with this more and analyze it less.

peace/love/etc

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"Are you alive? Prove it."

Lovely!

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To twist one purest cause
Into an honest verse,
Itself, a call to angels.
The saddened lips of song that
Kiss away our innocence
From the vile mundane.
~justb